DOA Survivor
by attoukaen
Summary: See what happens when you put Leon, Kasumi, and Hitomi on one Survivor team, and Jann Lee, Helena, and Ayane in another. This is a really stupid-humor story, so consider yourself warned...Rated PG-13 for language. UPDATE:::Chap. 4 up, Day 3, PG-13
1. Day 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own DOA or any of it's characters...........but I do in my pathetic dreams... sigh but I do own Yuki! HA! I do have part of a life!**

Day 1

It was the beginning of the fight to the death. (At least, that was Ayane and Kasumi's belief)

"Ok everyone," Yuki announced. You are now officially going to be in the middle of somewhere for fifteen years..."

Awkward silence.....

"Just kidding...........................You will spend fifteen_ weeks_ in the middle of a desolated spot in New Zealand." everyone exhaled.

"Now," he continued, "you will split up as two teams. Kasumi, Hitomi, and Leon, you will all be on team 'Oroka'" Kasumi stuck her tongue out at Ayane which was replied by a broken nose.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!! MY NOSE!!!!!" she yelled. Everyone ignored her. Ayane smirked and stuck her tongue out. Kasumi started plotting her revenge with an evil expression on her bloody face.

"Aannyywwaayyss....." Yuki continued, raising an eyebrow. "Jann Lee, Helena, and Ayane, you are on team 'Baka'"

"Ok!" Helena said loudly and too cheerfully. (as Ayane thought)

"I, am in hell..." Ayane thought as she started banging her head against the seat ahead of her.

"We're almost there," Yuki said. "when we get there, each team will be given a crate. You have to figure out how to open the crate and then you will be given your next assignment." a few nods were found and some slouches and/or moans.

A few hours passed and most of the contestants were sleeping.

"Hey!" Ayane yelled, "you said we were almost there yesterday!!!!!!" she screamed in Yuki's ear getting really annoyed.

"Chill will ya?!" he yelled back. By now everyone was awake.

"Yea! How much longer will we have to stay on this miserable bus!?!?" Hitomi butted in.

Helena began to sit up, "Well, I think tha- "

"NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU THINK!!!!" they all yelled, turning their attention once again to the 'show host'. Yuki started sweating. "Ok! Ok! hnnn........here we are! Hehe" the bus abruptly stopped in the middle of nowhere.

The contestants slowly came out of the bus and looked around at the deserted looking 'New Zealand'

"There goes my beautiful wedding plans..." scoffed Helena.

"FOR THE LAST TIME!!! I'M NOT GOING TO MARRY YOU!!!" Jann Lee yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Oh, you know you want me." she said putting her face closer to his and batting her eyelashes. Jann Lee shivered.

'I have my heart set on Leon' he thought. But unfortunately, Leon wasn't gay.

"Why are you staring at me like that?!" Leon said to Jann Lee.

"Never mind."

Yuki, now reeeeally freaked out continued to explain where the 'camp' spots were. Soon, the teams with their crates started towards their 'camp'.

In an hour, team Baka came to an oasis filled with a lake, trees, and deep grass. Maybe they weren't going to be so miserable after all.

Team Oroka found grass, trees and a five inch deep pond with a waterfall. They started setting up a tent. After they did that, they spent the remaining day trying to get the crate open. They tried everything from jumping on it, to nearly breaking their skulls from head-bashing it. Then Leon figured that just his body weight would take care of it. So, he sat on the heavy crate. Kasumi and Hitomi stood and watched in silence. They began to hear creaking, then the crate busted open. Exploding into uncountable pieces.

"Hehe, ya know, I've been pushin' 350 pounds." Leon said with a proud smirk. Kasumi and Hitomi tried to keep in the laughter.

**A/N: hehe, I was bored, what do you expect? Well, I'll add the next day when I can.....I have no idea where this is going **


	2. Day 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own DOA. (crap....)**

Day 2 

_Team Baka_

Helena yawned. "Good morning everyone!" she sang in her usual happy voice. Ayane groaned and covered her head. "This is gonna be a looooong 15 weeks" she thought.

"No, no, I want the pink purse. THE PINK ONE!!" Jann Lee yelled in an unusually high voice, still asleep. "Oh, my, god" Ayane muttered.

"SOMEONE WAKE UP THE INSANE GAY!" she yelled. Helena began gently shaking his arm but to no avail.

"Move imbecile!" Ayane said sternly to Helena as she shoved her out of the way and landed her heel on Jann Lee's face, nearly breaking his skull. Helena shrieked.

"HOLY SHIT!" Jann yelled at the top of his lungs, jumping up. Ayane stomped back to her so called 'bed'.

_Team Oroka_

Hitomi woke up to someone yelling "holy shit". 'Sounded like Jann Lee' she thought. 'Good' a smile slowly took over her face. She rubbed her eyes, stretched, and walked outside. She wasn't the only one awake. There he was, the 350-pound-pusher Leon himself, fully covered in camouflage, including his painted face. Hitomi rolled her eyes.

"Leon, we're not in a war. You don't need to dress up like that."

"Yes I do" he replied, shifting his eyes around as if expecting a battalion to jump out from behind on of the bushes. "They're everywhere." he whispered cocking his gun.

Hitomi stared at him then finally went back in the tent. "Leon has gone mental." she told Kasumi who was finally awake and sitting up, combing her long hair. "Wasn't he always?" she asked.

They had breakfast, then went to read what the only piece of paper said inside the demolished crate.

Meanwhile, team Baka was having breakfast, or should I say, Ayane was having breakfast. Helena was bandaging Jann Lee's cracked skull while he laid on the ground unconscious. Ayane chuckled.

Finally, after Helena finished and ate the inch-long-bit-size trout breakfast. Jann Lee jumped to his feet and yelled in a high voice. "My butt lives!" then fell back and went unconscious again. Ayane burst out laughing.

1 hour later...

Ayane busted open the crate to find one small paper laying in the bottom. "Stupid Yuki."Ayane thought.

"Oh, you got it open already?" Helena said looking up from filing her nails.

Ayane glared hard at her. And Helena sat back down. Jann Lee moaned. "Aaah, the gay-man decides to wake up?" Ayane snickered. He didn't say anything, just stumbled over to the nearest log to sit down

--

scene swap

--

"Near to you, yet far away, above something, below something, find this first and your team finds immunity."

"What the heck is that supposed to mean?" Hitomi said, confused.

"Maybe something in the water....ya know, above the ocean floor but below the sky." Kasumi started.

"I think we should get going. They're everywhere." Leon said handing Kasumi and Hitomi guns the size of an elephant.

"Looks like we're on our own." Hitomi whispered to Kasumi who instantly started rolling with laughter.

After waiting around for Kasumi to stop laughing, Hitomi led Kasumi as they walked around the island, trying to find anything that would match the riddle. Leon was off shooting at his invisible enemy army. Finally, Hitomi perked up. "I know what it is!"

Meanwhile—Team Baka read the riddle, Jann Lee passed out and kept yelling things about pink purses, Helena kept shrieking and practicing her awful singing, and Ayane kept banging her head against trees until all the coconuts fell off of them. Finally, Ayane walked over to Jann Lee....

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Jann Lee let out the biggest yell anyone had ever heard as Ayane continued to smash his crotch into the ground. "Shut up you imbecile!" she yelled. Helena shrieked again. Finally she stopped. Jann Lee groaned and Ayane stomped off to figure out the riddle so she could get off this damned island with these two bakas.

_7 hours later... _

"Got it!" Ayane yelled as she walked back. "They gave us matches."

Awkward silence.....

--

scene swap

--

10:30pm–Team Oroka

"Shit." Hitomi muttered.

Kasumi yawned. They came back to see Leon still fully armed and hiding behind a bush aiming his gun from left to right.

"Good night Leon." Hitomi and Kasumi said almost in unison.

"Good night ladies." Leon popped up and said with a gigantic smile on his painted face. But instantly went back to his battle position.

"Idiot....."

**Hehe.....I was bored.......remember, you were warned! Lol.....plz R&R...**


	3. UPDATE INFO

Kon'nichi Wa guys,

I greatly apologize for not have updated for the longest time (bangs head against wall) and I am very open to suggestions right now. A few of the reasons that I can't update, is cause our computer crashed, so now I can only have a limited amount of time on the internet every week XD it's driving me insane, anyway, AND my homework is piling on like crazy!!!!! AAAHHH!!!! Anyway, so, if you have an idea on what I should include in one of my stories, PLEASE don't hold yourself back from e-mailing me at or I NEED IDEAS PPL!!!! Well, I guess that's all.

Arigatou,

Attou Káen


	4. Day 3

Disclaimer: I do not own DOA, it's all owned by Tecmo and Team Ninja.......)brilliant people(

/blah/ A/N

)blah( same as (blah blah blah)

--blah-- same as asterisks

/wow! I actually could think something up! After all those months of writers block and too much homework and no time! Well, I warn you that this chapter may not be as funny as the others.....don't say I didn't warn you.../

Day 3

_Team Oroka–Kasumi, Hitomi, Leon_

Rapid fire awoke Kasumi and Hitomi bright and early, against their will. Normally, they were able to sleep in till at least 9, but no....Leon had to see his invisible battalion right at 5:30 AM. Hitomi was pissed. She had tried to be at least a little nice to Leon, despite his obvious mental problem. But this time, she snapped. "What the fuckin hell are you doing you.....you....." Hitomi couldn't find a word ugly, horrid, and stupid enough to describe him, so she had to settle for.. "Freakish bastard!!! It's only 5:30 and we have to be at the meeting at noon!! LET US SLEEP YOU MORON!!!!!"

"Well, gee..." Leon replied with a confused look on his fat face, "I thought you would want......me.....to.....protect....you....." and with that he burst into tears. Hitomi rolled her eyes.

She started to walk towards the camouflage heap, ready to kick the baka in the face. Unfortunately, half way towards him, she fell into quick sand. At that instant, Leon jumped up and started laughing evilly in a strangely deeper voice than his own.

"Muahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! You imbecile! You fell for my 'stupid' act!! Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Now with you out of the way, I can rule the world!! Muahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!" Hitomi and Kasumi looked at each other and then Kasumi jumped towards him and began giving him major blows to the crotch. Not that she needed to give him more than one, he fell to his knees after the first, but she figured it didn't make a difference.

-----eventually-------

He gathered the strength to stumble to his feet, still with his knees together. "Where am I?" he asked in a freakishly high voice that Hitomi and Kasumi didn't think possible. To them, it was almost like a dog whistle. "Holy Shit" Kasumi gasped in amazement. (Referring to the high voice) Then she continued to heave him off the cliff into the crock infested waters.

Brushing her hands while walking back to Hitomi, she remarked, calmly, "We have to get to the meeting soon" she said as she pulled her out of the sand. They began to make breakfast when they started enjoying the screams and crunches coming from the lake.

"High Five"

_Team_ _Baka–Ayane, Jann Lee, Helena_

/ I couldn't think of anything, so, on with the meeting X-X/

_Meeting_

"Well everyone," Yuki began, still uneasy with the thought in the back of his head that Ayane was going to kill him, "as you all know, someone has to be voted off today, and that will be decided by the capabilities of the people sitting around this fire."

Kasumi sat there, still waiting for Yuki to stop saying 'blah blah blah' over and over.

Hitomi was staring into space in her own world.

Leon, cough wasn't there.

Ayane sat plotting fierce and torturous evil against Yuki, rubbing her together.

Helena sat there as always, filing her fingernails.

And Jann Lee.....well......let's just say, something 'very unfortunate' happened to him, /thanks to our favorite plotter and killer.......--drumroll--....... Ayane! big twist huh?/

Anyway, Yuki kept explaining the rules, none of the contestants actually listening...some people caught something about tagging....maybe it was that.....some people caught something about a person "it". Anyways, point is none of them were listening, and Yuki )conveniently enough( didn't notice that he was amongst all women. O-O

/sorry, no yaoi the guys in this story were just too dumb/

And the reason? He was amongst some phyco-crazed lunatics. "So, everyone ready?" --cricket--

"You bastard! You brought us fuckin' all the way out to this fuckin' deserted place for no reason!" Ayane piped up at last. Soon, everyone agreed. )Except for Helena and her fingernails( they started cracking their knuckles and coming slowly towards him.

Ayane was almost about to hyperventilate when she saw people agreed with her. /Strange for her isn't it O-O/ Yuki continued to slowly back away, tripping over anything and everything that was in the way. "Heh, maybe we could talk this over with a 'nice cup of tea'? Aren't girls supposed to like that? Heh..."

Everyone kept coming at him, actually, faster now....he kept trying to think of a way he could escape but his mind was drawing a blank. crack smash crunch There goes his head. The girls were finally having some fun.

TBC....

/isn't it supid? Don't say I didn't warn you  
my apologies to Sagistar, I couldn't think of any way to have hide and seek was planning on it, but I had already made the guys too dumb to continue XD/


End file.
